Redefining Friendship

by Andrea Freedman

Best Friends?
I used to put a lot of emphasis on the idea of a “best friend”—until, at the age of 45, I had a falling out with a long-time friend, resulting in irreparable damage to our relationship. I had always thought that our friendship was one thing in life that I would never have to question, that nothing could tear us apart. We hit it off almost immediately when we met in junior high school—sharing secrets and talking about everything—and we laughed about things that we would reminisce about for many years to come.

As with many things in life, friendships come with a price. And, as we age, sometimes friendships change. As much as those relationships can enhance our lives, once things go sour, often there is no turning back. In fact, the experience of losing an almost-lifelong friend made me realize that what I want from my friends as I approach middle age is surprisingly different from what I wanted when I was a teenager and a young adult.

Friendship Then and Now
When I was a teenager, I wanted my friends to be involved in every aspect of my day-to-day life; now I am happier when they give me my space—as well as my privacy—and also know when to mind their own business.

In the past, I was only too happy to go along and be part of whatever the rest of the group decided to do. Now, though, that is usually not the case.

A little drama was fun in high school, but what I expect from friends now is that if we do happen to have a disagreement, they know there are times when they should just let it go. With all the other pressures in life, the last thing I need or want from a friend these days is stress. What I require now is really quite simple: I want my friends to accept me and not judge me.

Tip of the Iceberg
Our initial argument began just as we were leaving a restaurant where we had been out for a celebratory dinner. We tried to clear the air afterward, but deeper issues surfaced that had little or nothing to do with what we had originally been talking about—albeit heatedly—in the first place.

When I think back to that tension-filled walk home from what would be our last night out together, there was one defining moment for me, as I suspect there was for her as well. At that moment, I actually felt sick to my stomach because I knew deep down that we had reached an impasse.

Regardless of whether or not we ever happened to speak to one another again—and I had my doubts that we would—things would never be the same between us. Nor would it be the same when our group of friends got together in the future. Our tiff would make things awkward for the friends we had in common.

At first I attributed the ultimate demise of our friendship to one unfortunate incident; in retrospect, though, when I learned of all the hidden resentment that my friend had been harboring against me, I realized that this friendship should probably have ended years earlier. Perhaps in some ways it had ended, and I had just failed to notice.

No Going Back
Once certain things are said, they cannot be taken back, and such exchanges can turn a meaningful and special relationship into a cordial acquaintance at best. At worst, it can sound the death knoll for any communication whatsoever. In the blink of an eye, all of the fun times two people have shared over decades could go “poof”! Suddenly, it seems as though those good times had never happened.

People change, and as difficult as it may be to admit sometimes, we might not always like the results of those changes. It is always sad when a close friendship ends, but sometimes hanging on—for whatever reason—just does not work. It can, in fact, be pointless, or perhaps even harmful.

In a way, the end of a long friendship is just as shocking as a divorce, especially during that first year, when birthdays and other occasions that used to be celebrated together annually go by unacknowledged. Discovering that we had been so wrong about a person can shake our self-confidence and cause us to question our own judgment. I now ask myself whether it would have been better to keep all of my secrets to myself. Is there anyone I can really trust? How is it possible to put faith in anyone after such an experience? If a person with whom I have shared such strong ties can turn against me so easily, then what can I expect from anyone else in my life with whom I might have let down my guard?

More than two years have gone by since my friend and I “broke up,” but it still irritates me when I think about it. Apparently, from what other people who have gone through a similar experience have told me, my feelings are not unusual.

It’s a New Life
Another phase of my life has begun. Although it is true that I miss the cross-the-border shopping trips with my former friend (we both live in Canada and liked to shop together in the U.S.), the weekly get-togethers to watch our favorite TV show, and the endless telephone conversations that were all part of our friendship, I do not miss her judgment or the demands that went along with it. Nor do I miss the repercussions if I did not live up to them.

The end of this friendship has been a life-changing experience that has taught me some valuable lessons: There are no guarantees in life. Friendships are not, in fact, unconditional. Anything can happen. I now take the phrase best friend with a grain of salt.

It doesn’t mean that my remaining friends can’t still have an important place in my life, but perhaps it may be better to have friends who I can keep at a respectful distance when I feel that I need to, who understand and appreciate my boundaries, and who have realistic standards of what they can and cannot expect from me.

So, please, be my friend. Just don’t overdo it!

LINKS:
The Care and Maintenance of Friendship
Parts to a Long-Term Friendship
Does friendship change over 50?
How to Create Healthy Boundaries
Grieving the Loss of a Friendship
How to End a Friendship-Cutting off a Friend

Andrea Freedman was born in Toronto, Ontario, where she continues to live with her husband. After working as a legal assistant for 24 years, Andrea left the corporate world to write full-time. Her articles have appeared in various print and online publications. She has completed the Novel Idea writing course at George Brown College and has recently completed her first novel, as well as a short story that will appear in The Sun Shall Rise, a collection of Canadian short stories, in December 2013. In addition to writing, Andrea also enjoys reading, traveling, and working out. You can check out her weekly blog at: http:\\www.andreafreedmanfreelancewriter.wordpress.com