And Then There Was One:
Thoughts on Single-Parent Empty Nesting

by Marian Bellus and Bonnie Boehme

Single Parenting
How in the world will I ever manage this? For the single parent, that question comes early and stays late. Of course, every parent faces those times when the challenge of raising a child seems overwhelming. This other human, who is both part of you and separate from you, needs your care, your time, your love, and your finances—sometimes one more than the other—in the passage from helpless infant to functional adult. But the childrearing process, when viewed as a whole, is downright scary for the mom or dad who must go it alone.

The statistics of single parenting come as no shock. The 2000 U.S. Census revealed that an estimated 13.5 million single parents had custody of 21.7 million children younger than 21 years of age whose other parent lived elsewhere. As of that year, more than 1 in 4 families with children under the age of 18 were headed by a single parent, and more than 3 of 4 single-parent families had a mom as head of household. (We are not minimizing the efforts of dads as single parents—we’re just citing numbers.)

Every single parent has a unique story, but certain themes recur. Money is nearly always in short supply, a circumstance not helped by inadequate or non-contribution by the other parent. Family vacations, music or sports lessons, certain educational enrichments, and, in far too many cases, even medical and dental care are simply not possible. You battle guilt over what you cannot do for this child, and when the absent parent fails altogether, the hurt on your young one’s face wounds you. Or maybe the noncustodial parent is the “fun” one and you are the “killjoy” who always seems stressed out and impatient. Neither scenario is a good one. Even though the situation is far from ideal, somehow you reach inside and outside yourself to discover the necessary strength and resources. And the years roll by.

The Single-Parent Empty Nest
Your babies metamorphose into wonderful young men and women, and then . . . they leave (never completely, of course!). You now live in the empty nest, a household of one. For the first time in years, you are alone.

Perhaps the first thing that we think of when we consider the single parent in terms of the empty-nest stage of life is that alone means lonely. Nothing could be further from the truth. A single person whose children are grown has a freedom that is double the pleasure. If you’ve made sure to be home on time every night for the last 20 years of your life, not being on a schedule is a delicious change of circumstances. Add to that the freedom of not needing to be on schedule for a spouse or partner and your experience of life is doubly sweet. Nothing increases our enjoyment better than experiencing it after long absence. Of course, alone can quickly turn to lonely if you’re not getting out of the house. With all your time as your own, you can make plans with friends, go places you’ve never been, and experience life in a way that you haven’t had the opportunity to do at earlier stages. In a cultural context, this freedom to go outward from the home is often more appealing to women because, even in two-parent households in the twenty-first century, it’s women who generally have been the ones to sacrifice their own needs and wants for the sake of their families. At first, it may seem strange or even selfish to follow your own heart.

The freedom to connect with others in a spontaneous fashion is one of the best perks of the single empty-nester. Do you have a friend who needs to talk through a problem? Do you want to go to a concert with someone who loves the same music you do? Do you want to re-connect with a college roommate who lives 200 miles away? Have you been meaning to visit your aunt who was recently widowed? That’s when the freedom to come and go on your own schedule is a delight.

Perhaps most of all, do you want to commit to something bigger than yourself, now that your children are grown? This is a time when you can make a whole-hearted commitment to a political group, a social justice issue, a charitable organization, a musical talent—things near and dear to your heart that you were unable to devote yourself to previously. Giving of ourselves can give us the greatest pleasure and doesn’t restrict us because of lack of discretionary funds. This is when life is good: connecting with people in mutual interests, experiencing new activities, enjoying the company of others, doing what holds meaning for us.

For More Information
For more about single parenting or single-parent empty nesting, check out the following Web sites:
Parents Without Partners
Families.com: Single-Parent Family Stats
Single Parents Network
Single Parent Resources
Solo for Singles