Empty Nesting: Coping Strategies

by Ellen Newman

‘Tis the Season
The day had finally arrived. After numerous late-night study sessions for AP classes, SAT prep courses, visits to college campuses, college applications, and trips to Bed, Bath & Beyond to furnish her dorm room, we were moving our only child into the University of Pennsylvania. Although we live close enough to meet her for lunch or drop off an essential item at midnight (which happened in the first few weeks), we had been aware for some time that it would be a major, but necessary, adjustment for all of us. Perhaps because she is our only child, my husband and I have an unusually close relationship with Dana. After years as an editor in educational publishing, I chose to be a stay-at-home mom and continue to work on a freelance basis—a compromise that I thought gave me the best of both worlds. Because of my closeness to Dana, friends and family were particularly worried about how I would adjust when she left for college. Indeed, for the past two years, I had been somewhat worried myself! When a child leaves for college, the transition can be difficult for mothers and fathers, other children in the family, and even the family pet. Whether it’s your first, last, or only child, it has a tremendous impact on the family.

Coping Strategies
To everyone’s surprise, I have adjusted quite well. As a “glass-half-full” type of person, I chose to see this transition as a beginning rather than an end. In “Time to Fly—Surviving an Empty Nest,” Linda Lowen (“Time to Fly”; see link below) offers an analogy that might help put the situation in a more positive light:

Imagine transplanting a flower or bush to a new location so it can grow healthier and stronger. For this to successfully occur, you have to dig up the plant and sever its roots. There’s an initial shock to the system, but planted in its new surroundings, it extends new roots and eventually establishes itself more firmly than before. And the hole that’s left behind can be filled in with fertile soil ready to nurture new opportunities.

While doing some Internet research and soul searching, I discovered some useful coping strategies:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Accept that it’s natural to feel somewhat lost at this point. Talk to your friends, as well as other parents who are in a similar situation. As Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services, suggests, “Treat yourself like you would treat a friend who was feeling off balance, sad, a little bit lonely.” Realize that your child probably feels ambivalent about the situation. Whether or not it’s apparent, he or she has many things to worry about. I made up my mind that I didn’t want my daughter to have to worry about me, too.

2. Give yourself a pep talk. This is not the first transition you’ve faced. If you’re anything like me, the first few years of motherhood were full of insecurities and difficult moments. Remember decisions about work vs. career, bottle feeding vs. breast feeding, toilet training, and your child’s first day in preschool/kindergarten? Fast-forward a few years to dating and giving your child the keys to the car. College is not so different; you can make it through this transition, too.

3. Stay in touch, but let your child take the lead. These days, it’s easy to communicate via text messaging, emails, cell phones, and Facebook. As difficult as it is, realize that your child is struggling to be independent, and try to let him or her initiate contact. If you use Facebook, good etiquette is important if you don’t want to embarrass your child. Send a private message rather than writing on the wall.

4. Rediscover yourself, your friendships, and your marriage. Like most parents, you’ve spent the last 18 years of your life putting your child’s needs first. It’s time to change that. Remember that you had a purposeful and enjoyable life before your children, and you will again.

5. If you haven’t already done so, make a game plan. Consider going back to school, volunteering, or starting a new hobby. Look in your closet: If you’re considering going back to work, you will need to update your wardrobe. Take a course to brush up on your skills or learn new ones. What activities did you particularly enjoy when your child lived at home? If you liked to coach sports or volunteer in your child’s school, you can continue to do that. It might even lead to a new career!

6. Remember that your child will be back. This isn’t so different from summer camp. You will still see him or her during school breaks and over the summer. You may even find that you appreciate the more independent person your child has become, and that your child more fully appreciates you.

7. Enjoy your new life. You have a little bit more time for the fun things in life. You worked hard for it, so it’s time to enjoy it!

8. Know when to seek help. Lisa Tager, lead clinician for the Family Resource Center, part of the Community Health Centers of Cape Cod in Massachusetts, suggests that if you are finding it difficult to cope after six months, you should consider talking to a professional.

My Own Path
In my particular case, I reevaluated my career options when Dana was in her sophomore year of high school. Many things had changed since I decided, at the age of 21, to be an editor. As a child, I had wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but as a young woman, I was somewhat intimidated by the prospect. My experience as a mother, as well as many years of helping out in my daughter’s classroom and the time I spent volunteering as a literacy tutor, made me more confident of my abilities. I took particular interest in becoming a reading specialist, an option that may not have even existed when I graduated from college. After talking to several educators in our own school district, I enrolled at Arcadia University and have now completed half of the courses I need to become certified; I hope to graduate in June and begin to student teach in September. Although my work habits did not magically improve with age—I still procrastinate before I study and write papers—I actually like being in school and think my classes are a lot of fun.

After years of shared experiences, I have become friendly with some of the other mothers, and I am maintaining those relationships. For the most part, they are empty nesters too, and I try to schedule an occasional lunch or movie date with them. I have also been renewing old friendships through Facebook and making new friends in my classes. Although no one else may notice, I have remembered that I own jewelry and I’ve been trying to wear it on a daily basis, instead of only on the occasional night out. The changes I've made may be small, but they're important. It also helps that we have a very adorable Labrador mix who likes to accompany me wherever I go. Most important, I realize that even though my daughter is not living at home, I am still one of her most important role models. She may appear to have her own life now, but she still looks up to me. And I want her to like what she sees.

LINKS
Time to Fly: Surviving an Empty Nest
Coping with an Empty Nest When the Kids Clear Out
7 Ways to Vanquish the Empty Nest Blues
Empty-Nest Syndrome
Dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome: How Stay-at-Home Parents Can Cope When Children Leave Home
Empty Nest: Tips for Coping with the First Fledgling Child from the Nest

Ellen Newman is a freelance editor who will soon be an elementary school teacher. With daughter Dana now a freshman in college, only Ellen, lawyer husband Neil, and family dog Goldy occupy the family residence in Maple Glen, PA. When she's not taking courses at Arcadia University or editing, Ellen makes the most of her newfound free time reconnecting with old friends and dreaming of new adventures. (Traveling to Greece and strolling through the University of Pennsylvania's Morris Arboretum are on her list, but they won’t necessarily happen in that order.)