Exercising Your Memoir-Writing Muscles

by Jerry Waxler

The Value of David W. Berner’s Accidental Lessons
When I read a memoir, the author takes me on a journey through his or her major life transitions. As a spectator, I learn how the author managed to grow and adapt. In addition to learning about the author’s life, I also look for the best way to make sense of my own unfolding life. Reading other people’s memoirs and writing my own has turned out to be an extremely valuable tool in the second half of my life journey. For example, David W. Berner’s Accidental Lessons: A Memoir of a Rookie Teacher and a Life Renewed provides an excellent example of a person who is looking for healthy transitions in mid-life, and it also offers excellent lessons about memoir writing.

Berner had a successful career as a newscaster, but he hated chasing the latest sensational story in order to increase ratings. His desire for a more meaningful life started to pull him apart. His wife couldn’t help him patch himself together, and so they parted, forcing Berner to start over in the middle of his life.

One of David Berner’s acts of resurrection was to write a memoir about that period. His memoir Accidental Lessons begins with the demolition of his life, and for the rest of the book, it shows how he builds himself up. He goes back to school to earn his teaching credentials, and he takes a job in a public high school in a low-income area.

Life Transitions Mean Starting Over
When David Berner wanted to find a more meaningful life, he had to find the courage to walk away from his years of experience in broadcast journalism and start over. His experience is a perfect example of one of the central features of all life transitions. We have to face the unknown and learn new rules as we go.

Many (or perhaps most) memoirs start with a new beginning, so when you pick up a memoir, you are stepping into the shoes of a protagonist who must try to understand some fundamental aspect of life. The current fascination with memoirs, what I call the “Memoir Revolution,” started with a spate of coming-of-age stories that, by definition, are about beginners. Children like Jeanette Walls in the best-selling memoir The Glass Castle and Frank McCourt in Angela’s Ashes must make the journey from helplessness to adulthood. Readers cheer them on and fret about their vulnerability.

We all start as beginners. Gradually, we become more competent, and eventually we earn our place in some niche of life. Then, circumstances change: That niche disappears, the kids move out, the job goes away, or the entire industry ceases to exist. To get back into the game of life, we have to find some new source of satisfaction—and that means starting over.

David Berner, as a beginning teacher, makes freshman mistakes with students; when he tries to date a fellow teacher, he behaves like an amateur there, too. But despite his mistakes, or perhaps because of them, I feel empathy for his plight. I want him to make a positive impact on his students, and I am eager to see him learn and grow. I routinely observe this powerful psychological relationship between myself and every memoir’s protagonist. As a reader, I jump so far into empathy that I find myself longing for him or her to grow to a higher level of consciousness, and I feel pleasure when such elevation takes place.

Berner’s memoir not only informed me about his life; writing it informed him, too. According to the ancient philosopher Socrates, an unexamined life is not worth living, and writing a memoir is one of the best ways to examine what you have been through.

To make the most of David Berner’s life transition, shift hats from being the reader of his story to being the author of your own. Consider how the changes in your life invite you to a new beginning. How will you pursue that next chapter to give yourself a sense of fulfillment, a new path for personal satisfaction and growth? How will you face these new beginnings, trying to find new patterns, new activities, and sources of satisfaction? Discovering your story provides the means to “examine your life” and create wisdom.

In your own memoir, you might cringe at the mistakes you’ve made and the frustrations of starting over. By writing about such situations, however, you can transform your embarrassment into courage and pride—courage to try new things and pride in being able to handle the consequences.

Writing Exercise #1
Take 10 minutes to write about a situation in your life that pushed you out of your comfort zone and forced you to take a new approach.

The Courage of Sharing Vulnerable Moments
When we look back on the worst humiliations and most terrible mistakes we made as children, we may feel shame and prefer to keep those moments hidden. Whenever we start over in unfamiliar circumstances, we must face more of those feelings. It might be a little easier to laugh off these feelings as time goes by, but few of us want to advertise that aspect of ourselves. We are trained to present our own competence, and we tend to hide the times we didn’t know what we were doing. The problem with hiding parts of ourselves, however, is that we add a second layer of embarrassment onto the first: Not only did we make the mistake, but now we are forever doomed to maintain the secret. The more we try to hide it, the more vulnerable we feel. To paraphrase an old saying, “Secrets poison the vessel that contains them.”

When you begin to write a memoir, the truths of your life emerge on the page. Would it really be so awful to expose them? All memoir writers face this dilemma, and most who take the plunge feel greatly relieved after they turn secret feelings into a written account of events. In most cases, the experience feels a lot worse when it’s buried in your mind than it does when it’s on the page.

Writing Exercise #2
Take 10 minutes to write an episode that you don’t really want to tell anyone. Try to turn it into an interesting account, explaining or showing your actions as clearly as possible.

Second Coming of Age
At the beginning of the 21st century, more of us stay active well past the traditional retirement age. So, how do we find meaning during our extended years? Stories like Accidental Lessons demonstrate perfectly how such a “second act” can succeed.

David Berner chose his new career, not only as a way to restore earning power, but also to find meaning. In order to feel good about himself, he needs to help young people feel good about themselves. He needs these kids as much as they need him. I find the book to be a wonderful exploration of one man’s effort to create a more worthwhile life than the one he constructed the first time.

Teachers Serve Kids and Readers, Receive a Sense of Purpose
I have read several inspiring memoirs about the rewards of teaching. Author Frank McCourt told about his career as an educator in Teacher Man. Erin Gruell’s Freedom Writer’s Diary, later made into a movie, told how teaching kids fulfilled her life. And in True Notebooks, Mark Salzman taught kids in juvenile detention how to write. In each of these books, an adult pours out information and support in the hope that children will grow.

When these teachers transformed their experiences into stories, they created additional social value, allowing me to participate in their uplift and sense of purpose. They taught me about the satisfaction of teaching kids and the power of writing to span the gap between people.

David Berner traded in a glitzy career for an incredibly unglamorous one; however, inside himself and inside the kids he taught, beautiful things were happening. Just as his journey filled him with a sense of purpose, sharing his journey filled me with the same feelings, too.

Writing Exercise #3
What sorts of new skills or crafts do you want to learn “before it’s too late”? Write about this potential future for yourself. Rather than creating a “plan,” which makes the process sound dry and business-like, try writing a story about someone like you who takes the steps necessary to find meaning.

Writing a Memoir Heals a Life
I have already discussed one of the trials of major transitions: You have to become a beginner, make mistakes, and learn new skills and rules. A less obvious result is that the shock of change often obscures the beauty and pleasure that came before. The longer I live, the more chapters of myself I leave behind, many of which contain rich resources that I need today.

For example, when I was in my 20's, I fell apart and lost my way. I had to start over again, and I gained wisdom along the way. But until I started writing about my life, I had lost touch with the positive experiences before that disruption. And so it goes: Through decades of ups and downs, our strengths and pleasures before major transitions are often obscured by the intervening years. Memoirs are a powerful antidote to that forgetfulness. The more I work with memoirs, the more I appreciate their healing power. By writing my life story, I develop a more vibrant appreciation for the entire life that I lived, linking all the chapters together, and watching the timeline carry me through problems, changes, and triumphs.

To participate in what I call the Memoir Revolution and what Linda Joy Myers, president of the National Association of Memoir Writers, calls the Year of the Memoir, consider writing about your own transitions. The effort will give you the pleasure of self-expression, the wisdom of self-understanding, and the social connections that you will create by communicating your life story with others, whether they are family, friends, or strangers.

LINKS

David W. Berner’s Home Page

National Association of Memoir Writers

Three-Part Interview with Author David W. Berner
The author of the memoir Accidental Lessons answers questions about the craft and experience of writing the book:
Interview Part 1
Interview Part 2
Interview Part 3

More Resources
See brief descriptions of and links to all of the essays on my “Memory Writers Network.”

Order my step-by-step guide on how to write your memoir.

Jerry Waxler lives in Bucks County, PA, with his wife and cockatiels. By day, he works as a product manager in a software development company; on nights and weekends he gives lectures, teaches workshops, blogs, and writes his own memoir. Jerry is on the board of the Philadelphia Writers Conference and teaches memoir writing at Northampton Community College. His workshops are offered in the Philadelphia, Allentown, and New York areas, as well as long distance via phone and the Internet. You can learn more about Jerry, his workshops, and his publications, as well as read his blog at http://www.jerrywaxler.com. This article was adapted from a blog Jerry posted on his website on June 22, 2011.